Giovannian Rhapsody

It’s been a fraught few days in the world of opera. In the critical press, the sinister shadow of body-fascism looms large once more. Feelings have been needlessly hurt, and erudite, impassioned responses have been made.

Valiantly deciding to avoid the issue head-on, and in the earnest hope of giving my many aggrieved colleagues a little bit of a chuckle, I would like to present my latest utterly pointless creation – Giovannian Rhapsody.

As the title suggests, it is an attempt to convey the plot of Don Giovanni through the (admittedly somewhat unlikely) medium of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.

It’s amazing what utter bollocks you can come up with on the Eurostar.

Giovannian Rhapsody

Tired of your real life?
Need a fresh fantasy?
Fancy a wild ride?
An escape from reality?

Open your eyes,
as I stroke your thighs, and see..
I’m just a rich boy.
I need no sympathy.
Because I’m easy come, easy go.
Build you up, lay you low.
Every woman’s heart is nothing but a target to me, to me.

Anna…
Just killed a man,
after leaving you in bed.
Drew my dagger, now he’s dead.

Anna…
It was so much fun,
to watch his feeble life just ooze away.

Anna…
Oo-oo-oo-oooooh!
Didn’t mean to make you cry.
I killed your dad, but still, I can’t feel sorrow.
Carry on, carry on.
My libido’s all that matters.

Too late.
Elvira’s come.
In Burgos she was fine.
Now she bitches all the time.
Goodbye everybody.
I’ve got to go.
Leporello’s list will make her face the truth.

Anna…
Oo-oo-oo-oooooh.
Time to say goodbye.
You simply just don’t give me the horn at all.

I see a wedding! I’ll destroy it if I can!
I’m so louche! With my bouche, I will woo the bride and go!
Zerlina’s alighting while her groom is fighting me.
Poor Masetto! (Poor Masetto!)
Poor Masetto! (Poor Masetto!)
Poor Masetto, you’re too slow!
Now watch me go!

I’m just a rich boy. All women love me.
(He’s just a rich boy from a rich family, wasting his life with this whore-mongery!)

Easy come, easy go. Will you let me go?

You villain! No, we will not let you go!
(Let him go!)
You villain! We will not let you go!
(Let him go!)
You villain! We will not let you go!
(Let me go!)
Will not let you go!
(Let me go!)
Never, never, never, never let me go!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!
Although Zerlina once was keener, now she really wants to go.
Her ceaseless screams have alerted them and I must flee, must flee, must fleeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Leporello would stop me. He’s due a surprise.
I’ll make him woo Elvira while dressed in my guise.
Deh vieni. It has worked on so many.
Lust’s gonna get out. Lust’s gonna burst right out of here.

(OOH, NO!!!…. OOH, NO!!!…. )

Anna’s father’s coming…
dead, though he may be…
Anna’s father’s coming…
coming to have supper…
…with meeeeeeee…..

(Hell is where my soul goes.)

*with massive apologies to Freddie Mercury and Queen.


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