Walhall of a Mess

Yesterday was a good day. All was well with the world. Order reigned.

Today? Not so good. A bit up and down, if I’m honest.

People are pissed. Alberich is pissed because I took his Ring (and his finger). The Rhinemaidens are pissed because “their” gold has been stolen. And Fricka is pissed because… well, she’s Fricka. In other news, Loge is being a git, Fasolt is dead, and Fafner has the Ring, Tarnhelm and all the other shiny stuff. Oh, and the world as we know it is about to end all because an evil dwarf doesn’t like sharing his toys.

And apparently I’m to blame. Me! Bloody ingrates. They wouldn’t even exist were it not for me.

What basically happened is that these two Giants demanded Freia as payment for building me this amazing castle. I didn’t want to give her to them, because, you know, I like the ladies. And they like me, too. Fond of a bit of one-eyed charm, if you take my meaning. But I really wanted that castle. Absolutely had to have it. You see, I like shiny things. Sue me. I’m a God, and we Divine Ones love a bit of bling. And what could be better than a big, shiny castle in the sky that I can sing about all day long? Awesome, right? So I agreed to the Giants’ demand, and secretly sent Loge on a mission to find something to equal Freia in the Giants’ eyes, something I could fob them off with later on.

But that wasn’t good enough for Fricka. Oh, no. She’s so uptight, that woman. This morning, I’m having this lovely dream, and she wakes me with, “How dare you…(drone)…you terrible man…(whinge)…my sister…(nag, nag, nag)…” I tell you, if that bloody woman’s soap box were any bigger, we wouldn’t need a castle. We could all live there instead.

Anyway, the Giants show up, and it’s all, “Look how cool we are. Check out our mad building skills. Now, give us the girl.” And Loge, reliable as ever, is nowhere to be seen. Honestly, that little swine drops me in it every time. He’ll be late for his own funeral, that one. One of these days I’m going to wring his neck. At least, I would if he weren’t so damned useful.

As if this isn’t awkward enough, the teenagers then burst in and start waving their willies around, trying to coax the Giants into a pissing contest. Just as it’s all about to go seriously pear-shaped, Loge swans in, all nonchalant and butter-wouldn’t-melt, and starts spouting some guff about women’s beauty. I swear, he’ll be the death of me, that one.

So I get them all settled down, and Loge starts babbling on about fish-women and gold and dwarves. Turns out there’s this randy little toad called Alberich, who, after trying and failing to pull himself a Rhinemaiden or two, gets so hacked off he renounces love and pinches their gold instead. And because he’s a twisted little so-and-so, he’s made himself some sort of Ring of Power that he thinks will let him rule the world. I’m sure there were some other details in there, but to be honest, I stopped listening after “Ring”. I mean, I already rule the world, so I don’t really need it, but, hey-ho, it’s a shiny thing. I’m a God. Do the math.

Unfortunately, Giants also seem to like shiny stuff, so they say I can keep Freia if I give them the gold, but in the meantime they’ll keep hold of her to make sure I don’t welch. Annoying, but it least it gave me some time to think. And when Freia left the others all shut up too. Even Fricka. Indigestion, or something.

So, I grab Loge and the pair of us head down to Nibelheim to find this dwarf and put him in his place. He’s really lost it, this Alberich. Torturing his own family and everything. Sicko. His brother’s made him some fancy hat called the Tarnhelm which turns him into some sort of shapeshifter. Long story short, Loge talks a lot, Alberich gets stupid, we capture him, and I cut his finger off to get the Ring. Didn’t have to, but the little shit was really annoying me.

And you know what he does next? He only goes and curses the Ring! Little fecker! I mean, what is wrong with people?!

I get to enjoy the damned thing for all of five minutes before the Swiss Family Boring and the Giants come back and start up with their bickering again. I’ve just about had it with them, and am about to blast them all into oblivion, when this Erda stunner pops up out of nowhere and says I need to give up the Ring because the world of the Gods is going to end. Or something. I wasn’t really paying attention as she was bangin’ hot.

Without even thinking, I give the Ring to the Giants. The pair of them immediately start squabbling and, before I know it, one has killed the other and buggered off with all the loot. At this point I’m starting to think there’s more to this Erda honey than meets the eye. Figure I better look her up again sooner rather than later.

As the teenagers literally clear the air, I see the castle once again and have a brainwave.

I need an army. I mean, what use is a castle without an army? And who would make the most badass army of all time? An army capable of defending us from the Alberich’s curse? An army that could prevent the downfall of the Gods?

Dead guys.

Even better, awesome hero-type dead guys. Who couldn’t be killed again. I mean, seriously, who’s gonna f**k with them? And obviously I’d need some killer-warrior-goddess-babe-daughters to go and collect them and bring them to… What should I call it? Awesome Dead-Guy Hall? Badass Keep? No… it needs something classier…like…The Hall of the Chosen…Walhall…yes… WALHALL!!!

Awwwww, this is gonna be so cool!

Alberich, my friend, you are so gonna regret crossing me.

Now, what did I do with that Erda hottie’s number?…




  1. Love your work, Iain, and what you say about it! Far more interesting and insightful than all the hype about “stars” who don’t even need to rehearse! All the best for the Houston “Ring”, and a big “Howdie” to Patrick Summers: it’s been a while ! Keep up the good work, and keep letting the public know about it!!!

    1. Thanks for your lovely comments Geoffrey. I hope you don’t mind my moving it from the other page. It’s taken me a while to figure out how! (Not technically gifted.) I will send your best to Patrick.

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