The Muppet Ring Cycle – If only…

Das Rheincookie

Animich (Animal) steals a magic cookie from the Rheinchickens, believing that the cookie will enable him to rule the world.

Wosam (Sam the Eagle) and the Giants (Big Bird and Uncle Deadly) can’t agree about Fryer (Miss Piggy) as payment for building Samhalla. Neither wants to keep her as she’s such a diva nightmare. Lozzie (Fozzie Bear) tells them about Animich’s magic cookie. The Giants agree to keep Fryer if Wosam wins them the Rheincookie.

Wosam and Lozzie go to Drummerheim where Animich is using the cookie’s power to force Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem into slavery. They steal the cookie, but Animich curses it.

Wosam wants to keep the cookie, but Furda (Rowlf, in drag) tells him he has to give it up, he’s fat enough as it is, and when the giants once again threaten to hand back Fryer, he readily gives it up. Uncle Deadly keeps the cookie for himself, and instead of killing Big Bird, leaves him with Fryer.

Die Walpiggy

Act One

Frogmund (Kermit) is alone and lost in a forest. He finds a hut where his long-lost sister Froglinde (Annie Sue) takes him in. Counting (Count von Count) is not happy when he comes home to find Frogmund there. He offers him “Vvvuuunnnnnnnn!!!!” night of hospitality, but promises in the morning (well actually the next night, as he’s a vampire) that he will hunt down Frogmund and kill him.

Froglinde drugs Counting with some sleeping-blood, and shows Frogmund “Nothing”, a magic sword that their father hid in a tree for Frogmund. Frogmund and Froglinde are reunited in a great love scene – “Hey, Sis, what’s that in your tree? – Oh, that’s Nothing.”

Act Two

Porka (Miss Piggy’s voice down the telephone) bullies Wosam into telling Porkhilde (also Miss Piggy) that she is not to protect Frogmund from Counting’s rage. Porkhilde, who like everyone else finds her father interminably dull, decides to defy him and protect Frogmund anyway. In the resulting chaos, Wosam makes Nothing disappear (it’s not called Nothing for nothing), allowing Counting to fatally wound Frogmund. Porkhilde learns that Froglinde is pregnant with Frogfried and carries her to safety. Wosam, because he’s such a bad loser, kills Counting then sets off after them.

Act Three

The Ride of the Walpiggies is rudely interrupted by Wosam’s hectoring tones. They all leg it before he has a chance to bore them, leaving Porkhilde to deal with him. During yet another very long, tedious lecture, Wosam bores Porkhilde to the extent that she falls asleep on a rock. Wosam gives up and goes home.

Frogfried

Act One

Moaner (Gonzo) has found Frogfried (Kermit again) as a tadpole and raised him. Every time Moaner tries to reforge Nothing he blows himself up. (Monologue for Moaner – “I can’t get Nothing right!”)
Frogfried reforges the sword himself, and sets out seeking adventure.

Act Two

Frogfried (who hates his name, as it makes him think he’s in for a sticky end), finds a huge cave in the forest. As he’s about to enter, Smorgasbird (the Swedish Chef) appears and sings a lot of incomprehensible gibberish at him. Frogfried enters the cave to find Uncle Deadly guarding the Rheincookie. He kills him and licks the blood from his fingers, but he still can’t understand Smorgasbird, so he kills Moaner, takes the Rheincookie and leaves.

Act Three

Wosam is very angry because nobody ever listens to him. He wakes Furda up to have a moan, but she keeps falling asleep again. Frogfried appears and spares Furda further torture by breaking Wosam’s beak with Nothing. Unable to speak, Wosam gives up and heads home to Samhalla. Furda, in gratitude to Frogfried for saving her from Wosam’s endless oratory, directs him to Porkhilde’s rock. Frogfried awakens Porkhilde, and a great argument ensues – “Well, you took your time!”

Muppetdämmerung

Prologue

The three Cornfeds (the Chickens again) predict the end of the world. Meanwhile, as the sun rises over the mountains, Frogfried is still being berated by Porkhilde. He decides he’s had enough and sets out on his own again.

Act One

Frogfried comes to a castle on the banks of the Rhein, where he meets Guester and Gueststrune (this week’s special guests) and their evil half-brother, and son of Animich, Hungry (Cookie Monster). Hungry covets Frogfried’s magic Rheincookie, and gives him a drugged-cookie so that he falls in love with Guestrune, and agrees to win Porkhilde for Guester’s bride. Frogfried disguises himself as Guester and sets out to fetch Porkhilde.

Act Two

Hungry calls the court together for Guester and Porkhilde’s wedding – “Coooookieeeee!!!!! Coooookieeeee-hee-heeeeeee!!!!!!”
As she is presented to the court, Porkhilde sees Frogfried with Guestrune, and goes nuts. There follows a great scene where Porkhilde hits anyone and everyone repeatedly with her handbag. “Haaaaaaa-YAH!!!!”
She tells Guester and Hungry that if they want to live another to see another day, they’d best make Frogfried love her again.

Act Three

While hunting the next morning, Hungry and Guester remove the spell from Frogfried, and tell him that Porkhilde wants him back. Frogfried, horrified by the thought of being stuck with Porkhilde for the rest of his life, stabs himself with Nothing. Porkhilde arrives to find Frogfried lying on a funeral pyre. Furious at being denied, she goes berserk, lighting Frogfried’s pyre, and, ultimately proving herself her father’s daughter, launching into an interminably tedious monologue.

The others decide the Rheincookie is just not worth all the hassle, and head home.

(Many thanks to Kathleen Kelly and Jamie Barton for indulging this stupidity.)